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Resting stone.

Last week it has been 3 month since I started the Intellectual Midwifery project. Today, I would like to reflect on what has happened in this short but incredibly rich period of time.

I reread my first entry, it is striking how well-rounded and neatly it was formulated. It gives an idea that I have a sense of clarity and direction. I can honestly say that it has been the most intense, fundamentally shifting three months of my life. The guidance sessions and group gatherings have been incredibly nutritious and expanding me in all possible directions. The intensity of the impact this journey has, on me and on people close to me, sometimes scares me. Most of the times it excites me and fuels with new energies. Today is one of those days when I feel the overwhelming energy that comes form bathing in the uncertainty of the future. The work and thinking that has been done gives perceivable results, each day I feel the benefits. Now I will be preaching like an ad, be ready! The quality of connections with people has improved, my cognitive capacities became better, engagement with the world on the global level has strengthened. I feel stronger, energised, centred, and generally more myself. It is truly fascinating how quickly things can start moving and changing. There has been a lot of struggles within these weeks as well, honestly… a lot. Many things came out, shadows, daimons, monsters and other previously undetected entities. These new acquaintances became good friends and I intuit they will stick with me for a while. As I became stronger, more and more things came up to float on the surface. Childhood memories, family, past relationships, present relationships opened up in full complexity turning into a knot of thoughts, mostly with loose ends. The parable about the blind men and an elephant, form my first entry, was stressing the importance of merging multiple perspectives to get to a bigger picture. Touching one part of the elephant is not enough to know what that is. So far I feel like the elephant is endless, I keep on wandering all over it with my hands but can’t say if I have any idea what the elephant is. What I do have is much more joy and freedom to explore this elephant.

I am slowly but steadily abounding the illusion that I will have the total vision of myself and start enjoying the endlessness of this exploration. The mindset has shifted, I am not chasing the question: who am I? But now my attention has shifted towards ownership of my being and engaging with life. And probably in three months from now this quest will also seem so limiting but that is where I am now. And I own this state, fully. Owning it feels uncertain, unstable, filled with unknown while at the same time I feel the energy flowing through my body.

The other day I was looking at the developmental model used in integral approach. It is based on four stages: wake up, grow up, clean up and show up. I am not a fan of stages and models but, reading the descriptions of each stage, it weirdly resonated with the experiences I have. Wake up refers to the ability to gain a deeper insight into the nature of our true selves. Grow up indicates acceptance of full responsibility for our lives and decisions and becoming skilful in seeing the world from different perspectives. Once that has happened the cleaning up is starting. That is when real work starts, deep integration of emotions, shadows, seeking knowledge to understand and order the mess adulthood has brought us. And after that the showing up begins, which takes courage in the face in of fear and uncertainty. A consistent practice of showing up develops resilience, strength of character, sovereignty and ability to connect with the outer world in a meaningful way for both parties. Seeing these stages has something soothing and calming, it gives a sense of direction and belonging. I use it now, for a brief moment, to get rested before I abandon it and move forward looking for something that I can own fully. Something of my own yet to be discovered.

Today I had a very important conversation, one of those that will remain in my memory as a pivotal moment. This conversation wouldn’t have been possible three month ago. The level of honesty, sincerity, love and understanding was profoundly beautiful. The conversation was moving along the path I am walking and the changes that it brings. I mentioned already before that I have fear I will be losing people. I thought I was experiencing this loss, but today proved me wrong. I feel support, trust and welcoming whatever is showing up in me. Love you.

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