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Magical trembling.

Since i started to write these letters, a lot has changed in the way how I live and feel myself in my days. The act which seemed to be a simple exercise turned out to be a very powerful practice, transforming my every moment. I just wanted to write down my reflections and discoveries while undergoing personal reshuffling and share my experience with others. But the further I go the more intense the experience becomes. Through journaling and other activities related to the project, I became much more aware of everything that is happening around me and inside of me. I feel much more connected and also much more sensitive towards the environment. A conversation with my neighbour about renovation triggers a thought process about the ways we express our emotions and how they affect others. Going to the embassy to accomplish a bureaucratic task gives an insight into power dynamics and forms of control. I am preoccupied with constant noticing which results in the build up of tension that I find difficult to release. I feel I am unable to relax as the discovery of this new world is too delicious to let go and watch a series. I throw myself into the void of this novel experience but it intensifies everything I encounter.

Perhaps, I landed in a stage where ignorance and numbness start to subside and it becomes clear that things have moved and I am changing. I become more confident with these changes and as this happens more and more realisations come to the surface. For years I’ve been brushing many things under the carpet, suppressing, ignoring, not paying attention, not listening, hiding, running away. I get a sense that this long list of my actions is being addressed each day and it keeps on giving a range of responses. The process is unusual I never experienced it before but I feel like I am starting to gain a new superpower - the ability to separate noise from the signal. But for some reason I also reject it. This power brings to live fear and awe.

I’ve been feeling the build up of this tension but yesterday, by the power of synchronicity, these two became the centre of my attention. I did a collective presencing practice, a form of a group inquiry to arrive on new insights. A group of people contemplates one question, putting aside prior knowledge, assumptions and self-doubt, trying to catch a wave of spontaneous, undefined thought. The space is very accepting and encouraging to think and speak in the moment, walking on the edge of knowing. It unfolds beyond habitual responses or socially predetermined roles, this form of dialogue aims at creating a space where one can get access to their own thoughts and ideas. The question for discussion changes once a year, slowness and taking time to wander around is an important component of the practice. Yesterday a new question was introduced that resonated with my recent borderline experience between awful and awesome. I can’t recall the exact formulation but part of it sounded something like this: Which possibilities are opening up if we can enter the magical trembling present in the dance between fear and awe? This question definitely hit my sweet spot. I feel the trembling and its magical potentiality. I feel unexplainable fear and can’t withstand the luring power of the awe. I’ll be thinking about this question for the next year but I am fearful and excited that no matter what the answer will be, the moment it is found, it gets lost again. Once the opening becomes a possibility, it automatically closes down and stops the trembling. Trembling seems like an essential part of the process of opening up, so, perhaps I need to learn how to live with it without going crazy.

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