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Going back.

So the night after an insight hangover isn’t pacifying. I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time and since recently my sleeping schedule is a little off. I still wake up as usual 5:30 am but don’t manage going to bed before 1 am. I notice in my body that it is not enough and especially as I picked up kickboxing again I feel in the days of training my physical energies are getting very low. My mental energies are booming though, I wonder what’s it all about. Feels like I’ve been absorbing lots of new input and now finally things start to form new connections. I do need to take it easier in the upcoming weeks to recharge. In one week my exhibition will open and then I can take quieter time, hopefully write some music and get the routine back. Few month ago, when I was in the beginning of IM, I managed to maintain a continuous flow of various embodied practices. Anger breathing sessions, focusing, longer meditations etc. Now everything got shorter, I am again much more in my head, chasing ideas. I suppose that there is always a movement between these different modes, but because for me the whole embodied part was out of the picture I didn’t experience the shift from one modality to another. I am also kind of proud that I notice the need to ground myself in physical experience, and I will do so. Never thought saying I listen to my body would apply to me. But here we are at the age of 35 I can stand behind these words and even know what that means. The relationship with my body still remains an unexplored mystery, but step by step I am getting to know it and I am hopeful that at some point I’ll arrive to a harmonious relationship.

The other day I was remembering my teenage years and childhood looking for clues that might help me understand why at times I experience discomfort looking at my body. I was a chubby and boyish teenager, not like other girls around me. I think already then I had somewhat quirky intellect and it was difficult for me to connect to others in my school. I was always hanging out with older people representing various subcultures. Punks, rappers, hippies to name a few. But even in those communities the way I dressed and looked was different. I didn’t really fit in and constantly kept looking for something else to fulfill my need in socialising. Reflecting back I am wondering that perhaps I missed out on some social skills because I never experienced some of the important stages in forming relationships with people. I was always moving from one group to another, having not that many connections maintained in any group in particular. I was always interested in people but never in small talk. I can’t do small talk. I get better now, as I learn how to go meta on them, but generally I feel uncomfortable. Maybe the fact that I was very conscious of my looks, Ukraine has a quite rigid standard of beauty. I had to find a way to contribute to a conversation. Cleverness helped to generate content and justify my participation. Once philosophising is over I had to withdraw as I wouldn’t feel comfortable any more. Now when I look back I understand the mechanism, at that time, obviously, I didn’t see the connection. Looking back I wouldn't change anything in the way I built my social connections. I got a chance to dive into the depth of things I was interested in. And yes, I was and I still am, intense at times, but I have my peace with it. I think my recent proactive explorations of various techniques (circling, collective presencing, webspace, etc.) to enter meaningful connections with others, paired with the old habit to go deep allow for great results.

Peace with my body also catches up, it does require different efforts and takes longer to change the attitude but I am moving. Sometimes I still catch phrases I heard as a kid like wear a skirt, lose some weight and wear make up. Fascinating that it still lingers and affects me in some ways. Even despite the fact that I am a grown up woman who wears skirts and lipstick, deep down at times I feel like an ugly duck. My relationship with this lovely creature is changing. The ultimate test is to look at old photographs and see how that feels. I was going through a box with old pictures today and was happy to find myself smiling and staying with these images longer than usual. Perhaps passage and distance of time help and make it easier to enjoy. Or maybe I just can appreciate that time more as I can see how important it was form me and how much of me is still the same, only now it is what I value most.

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