Sitting with doubt today. Was thinking - what if I could decide to have doubts or resolve them, what would I go for? If I weigh all the appealing qualities of this state, such as resilience, discovery, map-making, perspectival knowledge and even borderline unpleasant physical experience in my body, I definitely want to have doubt in my experiential arcade. When I walk in the centre of it tough, the only thing I want is to get out of it as soon as possible. Perhaps this is exactly what makes it so powerful - being in doubt fuels the energies, boosts productivity and results in action. If dealt with in an appropriate way.
Intuitively, I sense there is a sweet spot in the relationship with doubt, an optimal doubt state. In this state we can engage in the dance with doubt, move together, change roles, allow the other to lead. Occasionally we tremble, our palms get sweaty but the last thing we want is the song to be over. It is like that first dance with someone you like - awkward, clumsy, uncomfortable but so unbelievably exciting and rich. In that moment you are simply a ball of energy - a pure, undefined, uncertain drive. Scared stiff but energised with the electric goosebumps waves.
I feel doubt has similar feel as that first dance. If we recall the memory of that teenage excitement, everything seems so important and definite. The dance appears as the one that will define the future course of life. But of course it rarely happens that way. Usually, we get over it, forget, get used to the tremble and stop seeing the dance as this intense exciting experience. When we get older, more dances happen, we learn how to lead and how to let go. The movement starts to happen naturally and we can fully embrace the other, flowing together in the mystery of the possible futures. Once the movement becomes predictable or we become too good at this dance, the doubt disappears taking away the mystery. When that happens perhaps stepping on someones toes is a good idea. Just to maintain the uncertainty and keep the energies flowing. Every move that deviates from the script brings a possibility to recalibrate, reposition and think where are you at the moment and what is relevant. We must be aware though that we know how to dance, otherwise there is no way we can engage in it. There has to be at least a basic skillset to start the movement. If not, it truly turns to nightmare and the doubt transforms to a haunting knot of insecurities and indecisive behaviours. For each of us this sweet spot will be different and finding our own optimal doubt state is a matter of honest reflection. Something to keep in mind in order to keep the movement going, is to maintain the mystery. Once we are circling around familiar loops, there is nothing to be found, so it is time to make a few changes on the trajectory we follow.
Doubt is an inseparable part of the process of becoming. It invites the movement, shakes the structures, and creates fantasies. Fantasies that challenge imagination, create dreams and aspirations. When driven by what if the potentiality to use doubt as an engine of life is fully felt. I hope the dance will keep on going. I hope the doubt will never be resolved. Never stop doubting, be alert when that happens. Always.