There is a new interesting feeling that I noticed yesterday. I can’t fully grasp it yet; it does have a strong intuitive presence but definitely still needs to settle in my consciousness. But let’s see if writing can give it a shape and speed up the settling process. It has something to do with desire to succeed, something shifting in my relationship with success. This time for real, not because I want to appear as I don’t care about it.
I started to experience the change in how I engage with people, not only on personal level but also professionally. Normally, when I give a presentation or hold a public speech I get quite stressed and anxious. Once I am in the process, it flows naturally but prior the event I am nervous. Sometimes, most of the times, disproportionately nervous. Only once in my life I had a black out, very unpleasant experience and a proof that perception of time is very individual. I think this fear of presenting is connected to the fact that in the past I didn’t have a clear map of my abilities and full access to my knowledge. I knew I can do certain things well but as I don’t really have a whole picture of myself, my expertise feels alien to me. I often felt as an impostor because the role I played appeared to be almost outside of my body experience and conscious awareness. I think this feeling of disintegration, being aware only of some bits and pieces of myself, put me on this journey of self-discovery in the first place.
At some point it became very clear that I lost the sense of purpose behind what I was doing. Or maybe it is more accurate to say - the purpose that I thought I had felt was not my own, it was very distant and unfulfilling. My default purpose was dominating all areas of my life and manifesting in various behaviours. At some point I realised that I’ve lost something truly important along the way.
Growing up in Ukraine, I was breathing the air filled with gender stereotypes and rigid social hierarchy. I was born in the role of being a woman, defined by men, designed to bear children, suppress my needs in order to please and comfort. And even though I was raised in a very liberal family, the system had a plan for me. It became apparent that this plan and I were never a good match. Before I realised that and became brave enough to create my own world order, living according to this plan had brought me a lot of unsettlement.
I didn’t realise until a few years ago how strong that cultural conditioning was. It was dominating so many areas of my life, affecting many choices I made. First unconsciously, mostly through my work, I started to question and disrupt systems to break out of the box and reject every label that someone wanted to put on me. Once my awareness of this default purpose became more conscious, change has entered my private life. At some point I realised why I felt so out of place in the life I was living, it wasn’t mine. That was an important insight and I am grateful I got support and understanding to embark on this quest for another purpose that feels closer to me.
This new sensation that I mentioned in the beginning has something to do with letting go of the default purpose. But not I feel it touches the reward system in which this default purpose is realised. Being successful has a particular measure when living the default purpose. There is a promise of reward for the right way to be, it keep an eye on us so we play by the rules. I start to feel that the desire to succeed is starting to leave me. The type of success that corresponds with the default purpose is not attractive any more. I anticipate the moment when the desire to be successful will dissolve into nothingness. I sense it is coming. I sense the emergence of the new way to live my purpose.