So. I said that today I will reflect upon my past months reflections. Going meta on my own meta, that sounds like fun. The only thing, I don’t feel quite ready to do so at the moment. At least I doubt I will come up with a coherent a clear story. I spend the whole day carrying and jiggling some thoughts but it feels scattered. To be honest I don’t mind this sacredness, it feel very much in sync with my rhythm at the moment. I feel scattered but weirdly in a very good way. It feels like coming home after a long trip. I feel comfortable and cosy in my sacredness with feels like a virtue rater that something I need to contain. There is a feeling of free flow, feeling of openness, curiosity and aliveness.
While thinking about refections, I got spirited away by my current state, my high velocity aliveness and it distracted me from my plans. I give in. I will give it another try tomorrow. Instead my day was filled with overflowing happiness. It felt great. I remembered that the question I started my journey with was in pursuit of happiness. I started writing because I felt somewhat lost, unclear about where I was and where I have to go, and how should go there. Now I feel very different. I am even able to use word happy next to I. Noticed it today and was pleasantly surprised. Somehow in the past even saying happy didn't feel right. I wasn’t unhappy but also wasn’t particular happy. Not in a way I knowI can be happy. This is a nice feeling to have, realisation of your own happiness capacity. It is a good calibration tool, a measurement stick. I didn’t had a clear sense that I had one before. It got me thinking how does it feel to be happy. There is definitely unconstrained openness and free flow. But also just simple joy in being. Simple being without pulling and pushing towards anything. It is not a passive stance but dynamic and active balance, Feels fabulous.
I do feel at the moment that I am forcing m writing. I notice increased awareness of me pushing buttons on the keyword, most of the times it points out the fact that I am writing in order to get some words on the page rather than create something meaningful. I won’t give into this behaviour. Not now. The happiness sent go well with dishonesty.