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Back to better.

Yesterday I woke up feeling lighter. Looking back at Friday’s mild collapse, waking up in a different place feels like a great gift. It is wonderful to experience how things can flip. I woke up, wrote a page of what was haunting me yesterday. It flowed out with ease - clean and crystal clear. I had gotten sucked into my own dishonesty and what happened is I’d lost the pattern to position my insights on. Everything was equally important, equally heavy. Everything was connecting to everything. I couldn’t manage to assign relevance to the information that was popping up. As a result I got overwhelmed to the point when I couldn’t make any sense out of what was coming at me. As a result I implicitly wanted to find an escape by giving into self-destructive behaviours, which would create a distraction from thoughts and feelings that where taking me over. On a side note, just noticed I used taking me over, popping up, coming at me referring at my own thoughts which is interesting because they express full passivity and inactive engagement. Who is imposing those thoughts on me if not me? A question for the future.

I found the experience in the last two days really interesting to observe. I clearly see my patterns have changed. Not the ones that cause me discomfort, but the processing and coping with the discomfort. The ability to notice and not react seems to become a steady habit as it happens over and over again. Sweet. I feel that there are less moments when I feel really deep down and even if so I take it as a chance to dive deeper into my own dishonesty and learn from there. It has been about five months since I started my active journey and I can say there are visible results that start to show.

But let me go back to today’s experience. So I woke with a sense of clarity, acknowledging my own dishonesty that i was piling up over the years. It felt like from everything which came up, one particular area got more highlighted. It made the task of moving through it easier to undergo. I won’t go into what what the topic I was pondering on, honesty doesn’t require that everything has to be said. In fact, being honest about the fact that we can’t be honest about something is next level stuff. It is also known as meta honesty, for those who want to stay on the path of honesty all the way, I recommend to get acquainted with the term. It is very difficult, though, so please have no expectations of mastering the skill right away. Bit by bit I am making small progress, but it is way more difficult than one might think. Honesty with others is an easier step, but honesty with ourselves, at least to me, seems more challenging. Mostly because it appears to be that I don’t have access to the process of my decision-making. As an example, I acted in a certain way, in which I was dishonest, and then if I try to understand why I did it that way, I can find it right away. I catch fragments of my reasoning and intentions but most of the time the clarity is inaccessible. Honestly, I was surprised by this tendency. On Friday when I was overflowing with insights, receiving all the memories and internal hurts of all the dishonesty moments, I was expecting I would be able to find exactly what I was bullshiting myself about. But not the case, my mind has built solid walls, protecting my ego from being exposed. Yesterday when I was able to reflect upon yesterday’s ego wiggling, I found it quite cute as a matter of fact. Looking at myself finding from myself is an interesting activity to observe.

Today I feel lighter, more in touch with my own truth, more centred and collected. I worked out bits of my dishonesty and internalised my new honest stance. It is also quite surprising how once the honesty on a topic comes in, fear and insecurity subsides. Perhaps, because there is no internal doubt any more? I can’t argue with truth once it was seen. It brings peace and quiet together with desire to discover more honesty within myself.

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